Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Can we do it? Yes we can!

Anyone who says moving is a piece of cake has never renovated an entire building and moved in 30 days. It's been an almost nightmarish ride. If long exhausting hours coupled with a tight budget wasn't enough stress, as it's wont to do, life was still going on around us.

I'm now seven months pregnant and can't lift much of anything over thirty pounds. Plus FJoC is pressing on my sciatic nerve making repeated trips up and down the stairs not just uncomfortable but dangerous. In normal circumstances I'm toter and a hauler. A get down on the floor and paint the trim, scrape up glue, push the display case where it needs to go kind of girl. Not only could I not do any of these things but I also had to leave anytime they were painting, gluing, staining or working with chemicals because I think a child having only one head is very important. I'll love you even if you do end up with two heads baby. I just think your life will be easier with only one. ***kisses*** This was extremely frustrating for me although I did get to go home and paint pretty pictures and that was extremely helpful.

Poor Melissa spent the entire move, plus, in labor and on bed rest. She managed to keep the twins in for five weeks Go, Melissa! Which is amazing considering that about halfway through she developed severe gall badder problems. She did though and the twins now have a very good shot at being completely fine. The constant prayer stream for the babies and her and the trips to triage once a week were emotionally exhausting. We all knew that for every day those babies stayed inside that was two less days in intensive care when they were born. Every day, every hour that they stayed in brought them one step closer to safety and one step further away from the possibility of severe handicaps. They are here and a miracle. Tiny and fragile and beautiful. Both are doing well. Eli slightly better than Aidan but they are both off of oxygen, and can now drink from bottles. There's a good chance that they will be home by their expected due date in January and that is just amazing.

Then one night Cate left the bakery a little early went home and fell asleep before 8 pm. I know because I called to ask her something. A few hours later I get a call from her. "I thought you were asleep." "I think I might be dying" Okay, off to the emergency room with you. Five hours later the diagnosis is mystery illness! ?!???! "Most likely she strained her back so badly that it was making her physically ill. Take her home, put her to bed. Here's some anti-inflammatory drugs and pain pills." Anyone wanna guess how long it took for her to end up back in the emergency room? Four days. "Oh wait, it's not your back at all, it's your gall bladder. Sorry, our bad. We'll just pop that out for you." She of course did NOT take off as long as she should and was back at the bakery 10 days later. Sometimes I hate that place, sometimes I hate it a lot.

So we exhausted ourselves, our friends, our family. We injured fingers, toes, backs, knees and in a very scary incident, ankles. Sacrificed sleep and peace and I think most of the time we felt like "Why the hell are we doing this?"

Then Sunday night (mighta been early Monday morning) I walked out to check the view of something from the outside and I looked into the shop. The light from the windows glowing out onto street and the scene inside the window made my heart soar. There was our hard work, there was our sacrifice and it was beautiful. It glowed like a magic place and I felt like maybe it was almost worth it. I also felt like it was going to be okay. I don't remember the last time I felt like it was going to be okay but it's been a long time, a really long time.

Thank you God for giving me my wonderful family, my wonderful friends and the strength to endure this time. Thank you Brian and Joey and Don and Lora and Mary Jo and George and Heidi and Amanda and Brandon and everyone who scraped glue, tore down walls, put up trim, hauled boxes, moved equipment and sacrificed sleep and family time to help us in our time of need. Thank you Cate for dreaming with me, for pulling us though this and bringing us out on the other side and for working like a dog. Thank you Karl for holding me up when I was falling, for holding me when I felt hopeless, for working when you were exhausted and in pain and for being, always, the man I love, the other half of my heart.

I can never say to any of you how much what you've done means, how truly and deeply grateful I am to have you but I can say I love you. I love all of you so very much. Thank you again and again.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Whoa baby!





Strangely enough it was your tiny heart beating that brought tears to my eyes. The miracle of your face took a bit longer to sink in. I can wait to hold you but it's hard, so hard.

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

We've moved...

But no need to update your bookmarks, it's a real life move. :)


Although we've been incredibly busy, Karl and I took time to create this piece of art for the foyer.

Monday, August 06, 2007

And baby makes three..

Just one baby, and what a relief.

We both cried. The baby is extremely active. S/he was doing flips and waving at us. I'm over awed.

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Hi ho, hi ho it's off to the midwife we go...

We met the midwife last week. I'm extremely happy with the choice we've made. She immediately meshed with all of the ideas that were important to me. She doesn't like to induce labor unless it's absolutely necessary, doesn't usually do an episiotomy, and since we're planning on trying to do this "naturally she'll be there for a good portion of my labour. All in all I feel very comfortable with the choice. Karl liked her too which is also nice.

The only problem I do have is having to go to Deaconess. Further reinforced by Dad's trip to Deaconess Emergency Wednesday night. However I think I can handle it and if it really does become an issue and I need emergency care I'll just go to St. Mary's.

Saturday, June 23, 2007

Still knocked up.

Been tired, in fact almost unbearably sleepy at the end of my work days. Yesterday was probably the most pointed as I was falling asleep in the car and pretty much passed out the second I hit the bed.

Not too much nausea yet...fingers crossed although Thursday night was roughish.

Still disgustingly happy though.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Who put this cat in a bag?

After the whole business of confirming that you are not insane, (Well, at least you're not hysterically pregnant.) You have to tell people. As we were driving back from the doctor's Karl said I could tell Lora if I wanted. I could tell anyone I wanted, whenever I wanted, in fact. I told him if Cate showed up at the bakery I really did want to tell both my sisters together but I could wait until then.

And lo, there is a burgandy Lincoln Continental parked in front of the bakery. Although I briefly thought "Jacob?" I knew it had to be her. I walked in the door and there was her shiny blonde head showing over the top of the swinging doors.

Cate and Lora-To the back of the bakery! Cate, immediate joy and hugs. Lora wide round eyes and a shocked O of a mouth.

Alicia-(over the phone but damnit we were both at work and she HAD to be told) Joy and threats of physical harm if I made her boobs grow sympathetically.

Shannon and Melissa-They came into the bakery looking for Lora who'd already gone home. They seemed a teensy bit distressed and I was doing a wedding cake consult. I asked them to wait around until I was done. I took them to the back and very quietly said. "Guess who's having a baby one month after you are?" and Melissa said "Brandi, you, Sam" in rapid fire succession I smiled. "Hold on, back up a little sweetie" and with a very confused look on her face Melissa takes two steps backwards. She and Shannon really are the perfect couple. It only took a little more explaining to get her to realise what I meant. And who can blame her? She had her own shocking news, twins!!! Oh Lord, this family is gonna be swimming in babies.

Mom and Dad-I really wanted Mom to ask me how my doctor's appointment went. She usually does. I had the perfect line for it. Mom "How did your appointment go?" Me "Oh fine, the baby is due in February..." Of course by this time she'd heard Mel and Shannon's news so..."Two babies! isn't that exciting?" "Well actually Mom it's going to be three babies. Two in January and another in February." My poor mother, this confused her so desperately. Even after Karl said "Kristi and I are having another baby in February." no dice. I finally gave up and said. "When you figure it out, I'll be in the kitchen." You could tell she still didn't know what was going on when she came into the kitchen. Karl explained it to her again and she was very happy for us. Dad just wanted to know if I was cooking dinner.

Patrick-Sadly over the phone. But he was genuinely happy for us and Shannon and Melissa actually called him right after thay found out about the twins. He was the first person not at the ultra sound to know.

Brandon, Erin and Amanda-Melissa let that particular cat out...So from Erin and Brandon I got. "Yeah, I know."

Amanda-I came up to her at the morale boosting bowling party and gave her a hug. "Now don't tell anyone." I said. She smiled at me and said "Don't tell anyone what?" I rolled my eyes at her and said "Just don't tell anyone, okay?" and she looked at me like I was nuts and said "Don't tell anyone what?" I was a little impatient with her when I said "Don't tell anyone I'm pregnant." HUGE round eyes, perfect circle of a mouth and a big wheezing inhalation. Hmmmm.....maybe Melissa didn't tell Amanda after all...

Brandi-"Shut up!" and general happiness for me.

FronShea-She wasn't at the bowling party so I asked Cate to have her call and do an interpetive dance. She asked if this meant there was a little White and told me she'd been trying to curse me forever. "What took so long?" She also ran up and hugged me, then Karl, when we had to stop by the bakery for something.

Cate told Christi and I'm assuming Christi told George which i wanted to do but oh well...Haven't heard from them yet.

Remaining bakery(at least those that bowled)-A banner across the score screen.

So now his family. Two brothers down, one to go, plus Patsy, Eva and a few friends. I'll only get one end of the conversation but so far happiness for us both...

Monday, June 18, 2007

Hi ho, it's off to the doctor's we go...

By the way, Karl's reaction to me telling him I was pregnant was to stare blearily at the odd plastic stick I'd just handed him, and say "No, you're not." to which I replied, in a slightly hysterical whine "Yes, I am." Then we were happy and huggy and I slipped a quick look to check for the plus sign because hey, lunacy runs in my family.

Sunday was difficult. We were both so damn happy yet so afraid that it was a false positive. We would blow ourselves up spinning daydreams and then tell each other not to get TOO happy. Plus there was a Father's Day lunch with everyone attending.
We had to keep our mouths shut and try not to walk on air. Because what if...

The only thing that was keeping me from shaking to bits and yet another ulterior motive for doing the test on Sunday was the fact that I had a doctor's appointment on Monday. I might have blown a gasket otherwise.

We dropped Lora at work then Karl dropped me off at the doctor. He went back to the bakery to await my call. (I wonder if the not knowing was as hard as that time I got detained in customs and he didn't know where I was.) Standing in line to sign in for my appointment and I was vibrating. Practically jumping out of my skin. I was also stressed because there were soooooooooo many people ahead of me. I was going to have to wait forever, I was sure.

The wait (at least for the nurse to call my name) was mercifully short. The nurse took me back and weighed me, noting that I'd lost eleven pounds from my previous visit. (Yay, Weight Watchers!) After she had me situated in an exam room I sprang it on her. "So I took a pregnancy test yesterday and it was positive..." She asked if I was happy about it and I said I didn't quite believe it because well, I'm thirty five. She decided that peeing in a cup would be our best course of action. So I did and then went back to exam room 5 to wait.

Anyone who's ever waited for an answer that could change everything knows that endless tense stretched out feel that time gets. I told myself not to cry if the answer was no and by the time Dr. Lippman showed up I'd almost convinced myself that I wouldn't. He sat down to talk to me, saying things about a serum pregnancy test and blah, blah, blah that had me worried. "Was the test negative? Okay, I can be big girl about this, just spit it out. Jesus!" I thought. Then he asked me if I was happy about it. I told him if we were pregnant it would be wonderful but that we could handle the disappointment if it wasn't the case. Then he asks if I'd taken the test yet. I am so relieved he didn't tell me the result was negative that I forget to be irritated at him for stringing me along.

Dr. Lippman went off to find out the results and I sat in my time syrup with my heart and my logic stretching me in two different directions. He had the nerve to stop and talk to the nurse outside the door. I could hear his voice but not the words. "Is that concern? Oh God, I really am a nutter. He's not gonna let it go at that either, he's going to make me take a serum pregnancy test so we can dance on this dream after we kick it to death." The door opens...smiling Dr. Lippman, thumbs up Dr. Lippman, yes, you really are pregnant Dr. Lippman. I want to dance. I want to cry. I want sing out my joy and I want to call my husband. I can tell that the smile on my face is my whole face and I can't stop beaming. I'm pregnant! I'm gonna have a baby. The doctor said so, yes, he did.

The thing I want to do the most on that list, is call Karl. I can't though, I'm in the doctor's office. Damnit! It was hard to listen to what I was being told and thank God they wrote stuff down for me because I really don't remember much. As soon as they would let me checkout I called Karl.

My sister answered the phone and to her I sounded upset. (I wasn't) She told Karl I sounded upset before she handed him the phone and then I said "Do you want me to tell you now or just let you twist?" His reply "Just hold on a second babe..." Then
he put me on hold and went in search of a modicum of privacy. He found privacy but no phone signal behind the bakery. So I called back as he was finding a signal halfway up the stairs. Poor Karl. I bet that was a long thirty seconds.

I didn't make him twist though. I called him daddy and you know I could feel his smile through the telephone wires. I could feel it across two miles of road between us and it was warm, so warm.

He might have drove just a little too fast to come and get me...

Sunday, June 17, 2007

Fact Plus...

About 15 or so days ago I woke up and thought, "I think I'm pregnant." Which is completely silly because, well, I'm thirty five and I had thought that before. Besides when I went to the doctor for my ear infection they gave me a pregnancy test. Granted this was a new month full of new possibilities. (Or in my case new opportunities to be disappointed.) So I told that thought to take a hike and tried to get on with my life.

Except there were a few odd symptoms. "Hmmm...what's up with that?" Off to Google we go expecting to find some hitherto unknown Crohn's symptom. "Early pregnancy? Puh-lease! Even if I was, I really couldn't be more than a few days and that's a bit too early for early pregnancy symptoms...Or is it?" So I tell my brain to shut it's mouth but it keeps whispering. "What if we are?" and spinning fantasies of how it will be and just generally tormenting me.

So I end up at Walmart by myself...

And as I'm running throught the store picking up the last few things we need for dinner, I make a run for the "Family Planning" aisle and grab a pregnancy test. Fact Plus, two pack. "This is nuts...I"m not even expecting my period until the eleventh" But into the cart it goes and once I get home I hide it in the bathroom closet behind some stuff and think about it constantly until the eleventh.

The morning of the eleventh I wake up hideously early, head downstairs, open the closet door, grab the hidden pregnancy test and almost pee on myself because I have to go so desperately. Sooo...I decide to wait for the next opportunity, which arrives at approximately 7 am. This time I manage to pee on the stick and while I'm waiting for the results I'm repeating this mantra. "You're not really pregnant, you know that, don't you? Stop being a nutter and get on with your life." Five minutes or so of this and the test is one line. Not pregnant. I'm okay. Really. Just...well, I still think I'm pregnant.

I spend the next few days argueing with myself. Telling myself I'm not pregnant and then explaining to myself why that test could have been wrong. And the whole time I'm just waiting for my period to start so I can stop being crazy woman and start being me again. I can't tell Karl either.

We pretty much don't talk about the no baby thing. We love each other, we realise how fortunate we are to have each other and know that pining for "extra" stuff could break us. You can take a minor pain like childlessness and magnify it so it's the biggest thing in your life. You can make it so big it overshadows the true things like how much you really love each other. So we've set it aside. And I know he's thought about it, as have I, but we have each other and we can love Sam and Baylee and George and Graci and Lara and the new baby and still be whole and happy.

Except I'm still not getting my period and I still have a pregnancy test in my bathroom closet. I'm almost frantic because I hate being one of those baby crazy women. I decide on Friday that I'm going to take the second pregnancy test. Then I decide to wait until Sunday. I figure Sunday is Father's Day and there's got to be some good mojo in that. If I'm really pregnant what better day to tell Karl...

I woke up this (Sunday) morning and I was so scared that I would have started but I hadn't. So I made my way quietly downstairs and peed on a stick. I set the test down and told myself not to get my hopes up. Then I turned on the shower, and went to get a towel from the laundry. I came back and...plus.

"Plus? is it really a plus?" I wanted to shout. I wanted to jump up and down. I wanted to run up the stairs, shake Karl really hard and yell "Is that a plus sign?!!!" Instead I took a shower.

Because when you want something and you've resigned yourself to the fact that you're not going to have it, when it does happen, the possibilty that you might be hallucinating does occur to you.

I took a shower and I cried a little and I danced a little and I kept telling myself when I got out of the shower it wasn't going to be a plus sign...but it was. So I took my little stick and myself up the stairs and I gave Karl a little shake...

"Babe, I've got something to tell you." He looked a little dazed, definitely not awake, but I couldn't wait. "We may not be able to go to England for Christmas." "Whu?" and then I reached over to grab the test and said "because I'm pregnant"